as the glass darkens...

some people know this, but in case you don't, a lot of what i write isn't for me. as in, they're not really my own thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc. God gives me words and I write them.

so i guess this poem is for someone, i just don't know who.



Images tumble through my head
like desert grass on a summer's day
as i spend yet another chunk of my
only existence longing for what was, what
used to be. used. All of what i did, all of what
i am can so complexly be summed up
in that one simplest word.
Why did i take what was for granted?
The smile of a shining rainbow that rejoices
in the freshness of a just-cleaned earth;
the sound of the winds playfully racing each
other around the world through trees, fields,
and the city bustle; the simple yet sheer
comfort of a sympathetic voice on the other
end of the phone as yet another piece of my
world crashes in front of my despairing sight.
They all left me, though, once They found out who i was,
what i did. USED.

More than anything, i deserved Their judgment.
The tears, the pointing fingers, the poisonous
whips lashing from Their mouths onto my
torn body. All was needed, all was deserved.
They showed me again and again who i was and told
me to never again drag my rotting corpse
into Their presence.

My stomach is now the only sane part
of my existence. I do its bidding,
therefore, i stay alive. It, too, however has
learned only too well the boundaries of
this glass hole i have so connivingly dug
for my only self.

Tried, judged, condemned.

By all the me's, you's, they's, them's, and
everyone's i ever knew. so
here i am.
each day the glass grows a little darker,
a touch smokier, a degree harder to see through.
They were once clear, at the beginning.
Now They have retreated to the outer shadows
of the world i see through my smoke-glazed
eyes.
They still hate me. That's all i know
of Them. The conspiracies They still whisper
reach my heart, not my ears.
But i have forgotten words, forgotten language
in even the most primal sense, so I don't
know how to tell Them i've forgiven Them.
They will never know how I really feel as i wait in
my onlyness for the world around me to turn the color
that my heart once was.